Divorce Land

God allows what He hates to accomplish what He wants in something He loves - US. Divorce is a sin but we must not allow it to destroy us. We must trust God to bring us through and heal us of the hurt and wounds caused by this horrible plight of modern day society and sadly Christendom.

 By Lisa McDonald

II Corinthians 1:3-7 - Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted it is for your comfort, which is effective in the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer; and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings, so also you are sharers of our comfort.

        She hadn’t been the same for the last few weeks. Something was different about her; there seemed to be sadness consuming her but there were not tears. She sat alone in church, which wasn’t unusual since her husband worked an alternating weekend schedule and was not always able to attend. Still she seemed to be secluding herself, not being the lively personality she usually presented to everyone.

        One Sunday, in the middle of worship while the congregation was standing and singing, she began to wipe a tear from her eye, trying to keep from being noticeable, being very careful not to smear her mascara. A lady stepped out of her pew and walked back toward her. She seemed surprised until the lady reached out her arms for a hug. She melted into them. She started to sob and when the lady released her, the sad woman looked into her face and said, “We’re getting a divorce. What do I do now?”

        On one spring morning, a few years ago, this sad woman was me. The lady who hugged me, one of my close friends, not only stepped out of her pew that day, but her comfort zone by getting involved and offering help. I remember desperately, in the midst of all the pain and hopelessness, I earnestly wanted someone to help me. The problem was that first, I felt too embarrassed to ask and secondly, in some way I felt that I didn’t deserve any help because I had failed. This was my punishment for whatever I had done to cause the divorce, or for letting it get to this point.

        One way to deal with the pain of divorce within us is to turn it around - to use the knowledge gained from our suffering to help others in similar circumstances. Just as Paul explained in his letter to the Corinthian church, God comforts people who suffer in order to be able to comfort others who are suffering. This is possible because of the same compassion shown to them by God. I would not be able to empathize with a parent who had lost a child since this has not happened to me personally. But I can understand the thoughts, emotions, pains, and feelings of a person whose life has been totally shattered by divorce. That is where this verse gets its arms and legs. If we have been comforted, it is up to us to use that same comfort from the Lord to help Him guide others to this same understanding. Ecclesiastes 1:9 states: That which has been is that which will be, and that which has been done is that which will be done, so, there is nothing new under the sun.

        Divorce is a reality. It happens to people everywhere, even in our churches, even to Christians. Most of us have already been in the position of my friend, wanting to help, and a few of us have experienced divorce up close and personal. If you have, you are in a unique position, one of discipleship. Instead of closing up into our own hurting world but by using this knowledge, the spiritual truths we have gleaned through our experience, God will enable us to use these for the benefit of someone else. By looking back to the way “we” felt, we gain a deeper understanding toward our fellow sojourners. I’m not talking about mutual pity parties here, but a genuine concern and a willingness to become your friend’s travel agent during their trip through “Divorce Land.” Got your tickets ready? Hurry because the train has already left the station!

        Remember how YOU felt?

        When I heard about my husband’s affair, I remember every detail-what I was wearing, where I was sitting when he told me, the way my whole body was shaking, and the sickness in the pit of my stomach. My first thought was not divorce. That word was not in my vocabulary. People who got divorced, I thought, just didn’t try and I wasn’t going to let this happen to my family. I decided to do something about it to keep my family intact. 

        I tried to drag him to counseling which worked for a few weeks until he lost interest.

        I begged other people to talk to him.

        I decided to change my hair style and hair color. (If he wanted excitement I would give it to him.)

        I had already lost 60 pounds earlier but I figured that wasn’t enough so I tried to lose more.

        I tried to seduce him to come back home by bringing out the old photo albums, the class annuals and candlelight.

        But nothing seemed to work. The problem was that I was the only one trying. Attempting to “keep him” wasn’t working. A marriage takes two and one participant had already left, if not in body, in mind.

        I got married right out of college so I had never been on my own. My whole persona was wrapped around belonging to another person, first my parents, and then my husband. But in the process of my divorce I felt extremely alienated. Who was I anyway? I didn’t fit in with the singles groups because I wasn’t single yet. I didn’t fit in with the married couples because I wasn’t quite married either. It wasn’t comfortable hanging around my married friends because those friendships were based on me being part of a couple. I also felt that I couldn’t be close to my married friends anymore because what if they thought I was on the take, that I was looking for a new husband amongst one of theirs? By keeping all this in mind, as absurd as it sounded, I distanced myself from everyone. This was extremely lonely, but safer.

        My world was shattered. The world, as I knew it, was gone. My whole future was in question. Before, there was security in knowing when to get up, where to go and who was to go with me. Now that was all up for grabs. Along with the normal stresses of life, children, work and home, I now had no one to share them with. Fears and worries consumed me, constantly whispering in my ear thousands of accusing questions: How are you going to pay for two sets of braces? What if you lose your house, where will you live? You’ll probably never be loved again because who would have you? What’s wrong with you anyway? Whose going to change the oil now?

        As time went on, I realized that it was time for a reality check. I came to the understanding that a divorce was more than likely forthcoming and that I was going to be a single parent, so I had to become self-sufficient. Every little thing I did, by myself, gave me more confidence to do something else. (It sounds silly but the first time I took the trash to the dump or doing devotions with the girls, by myself, enabled me to feel better about myself.) With God’s help and direction, I had a handle on my life. I was the driver, but God had laid out the road ahead of me. When I truly started trusting in God and not in my own ways (how I could fix it) I began to feel more secure in His arms.

        Well, how could my story help anyone else? How can we, the victims of yesterday, use our past experiences to help those in need today? If I could have told others what I needed in the way of sympathy or compassion, now on the outside looking in, this is what I would have said:  

·       Please show me unconditional acceptance and love. I want you to continue to be my friend even though my life situation has changed. By putting stipulations on our friendship, I will continue to strive toward approval from you. But what I need is approval for just being me. My self-esteem is in critical condition. In order to feel good about myself, no matter what my marital status may be, I need to know you are my friend, no matter what.

·        I need a cheerleader. Failure is all that I think about and I need to hear when I do something right. Keep telling me that I haven’t failed. The fact that the marriage has ended does not have to reflect upon my self-worth and myself. Keep telling me that my self-worth comes from God and that I am marvelously and wonderfully made. God already loves me and calls me one of His own, no matter what situation I am in.

·        Be a sounding board for me without always offering advice. I need someone who can listen to me without trying to fix all my problems. I need to leave that up to God. If I keep hearing ways to remedy my problems I will continue to work on my own to repair what only God can do. This will move me farther away from God and my faith will begin to weaken. By giving your time just to listen to me rant and rave, this lets me know how much you care. (Also, don’t tell me that all I need is to find a man who can truly love me and will take care of me. Losing my husband is not like losing a puppy, which is relatively easy to replace. Putting another man right back in his place will not solve any problems and will certainly add a few.)

·       

            Please pray for me. Let me tell you the specific things I need, material and otherwise, so you can pray more concretely. Encourage me to pray also. The feeling of alienation doesn’t only belong to other people, but also to God. Help me to continue my relationship with Him. Don’t let me slip into a spiritual coma. Encourage me, strongly if needed, to keep talking with Him. Help me to see that He isn’t the source of my problems, but the answer.

Isaiah 58:7-9b sums it all up for us. - Is it not to divide your bread with the hungry, and bring the homeless poor into the house; when you see the naked, to cover him; and not to hide yourself from your own flesh? Then your light will break out like the dawn, and your recovery will speedily spring forth; and your righteousness will go before you; the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry, and He will say, ‘Here I am.’

        Joni Earekson-Tada has been quoted as saying, “He (God) permits what He hates in order to accomplish what He loves. There’s no more liberating or more joyful truth for the suffering Christian.” These verses above state that OUR recovery will come about more speedily and that God will be our rear guard when we help others. He will continue to protect us. When we call on Him, He will not only hear us but also answer.

        If your friend is already on a train car called “Divorce Land” and has already left the station, take heart. There are trains leaving the station continually. Just make sure to get on the right one in order to help your friend. Remember that you hold the CORRECT travel plans, the preferred itinerary. You’ve been there, done that, got the T-shirt even. Make sure and make it count.